Beyond Words: A Quiet Couple's Guide to Vows

Part 1: Finding Your Words (Without the Pressure)

Before you can worry about speaking, you need to have the words themselves. Let's start with the biggest worry: that you have to write your own vows from scratch. You absolutely do not.

Not everyone is a wordsmith, and that is perfectly okay. The goal is to find words that are true, not necessarily words that you have written yourself. You can think of yourself not as a writer, but as a "curator"—someone who finds beautiful words that already exist.

This path is pressure-free. A great place to start is by searching the web for "simple wedding vow examples" or looking through books of poems and quotes. As your celebrant, I also provide a gentle, curated list of examples. Your job isn't to create something original; it's to find the words that make you say, "Yes, that's us."

Of course, if you do feel drawn to writing something short and personal, you can keep it beautifully simple. Many couples worry that there's a minimum number of words or minutes required, or that their vows have to be the exact same length as their partner's. That is not the case at all. In fact, a single sentence of appreciation ("I love the way you make me laugh") followed by a single promise ("and I promise to always try to make you laugh") is a complete, heartfelt, and deeply personal vow.

Let's be honest about the part of the ceremony that can cause the most quiet anxiety: the vows.

There's a modern pressure to write your own—to be a poet, a storyteller, and a public speaker all in one. But for many of us, the bigger pressure isn't just about finding the right words; it's about saying them out loud.

And let’s be honest about the "audience," too. Even at an elopement, you're not completely alone. There's your celebrant, your photographer, and perhaps a witness you haven't met before. And while you will hopefully have built a warm and trusting connection by then, it's still a unique situation. Even if your only guests are a few close friends or family, you may never have shared such personal feelings in front of them before.

If any of that rings true for you, I want you to let go of all that pressure. This is a gentle guide to break it down into two simple, manageable parts: first, figuring out what to say, and second, finding a comfortable way to share it.

Part 2: Gentle Ways to Share Your Vows

Once you have your words, the next step is deciding how to share them. Here is a spectrum of options, from the lowest-pressure verbal promise to a vow made without speaking a single word.

1. The "Repeat After Me" Approach
This is a classic for a reason. It is a safe, grounding, and very low-pressure way to say beautiful words. I will break your vows down into short, manageable phrases, and you simply repeat them after me. You don't have to worry about memorising anything or losing your place; my only job in that moment is to be your calm and steady guide.

2. Reading Your Vows to Each Other
This is the option many people picture, and it can feel like the most daunting. But I want to let you in on a secret I’ve seen time and time again: it's often much easier than you think. By the time we reach your vows, usually in the middle of the ceremony, you will have relaxed into the moment. A little bubble, a sort of forcefield of intimacy, will have formed around you. In that space, reading your promises to your partner feels less like a public speech and more like a quiet, focused conversation. For an extra layer of privacy, we can even plan for you to step a short distance away, turning to each other to share your vows just between yourselves, out of earshot of anyone else. It's a simple way to create a bubble of pure intimacy for the most personal words of your ceremony.

3. The Celebrant as Your Voice
For even more comfort, you can have me share your promises on your behalf. You still write or choose the words that are in your heart, but you give them to me beforehand. I then weave them into the ceremony, gently saying something like, "Sarah, Tim wanted you to know that he promises to always be..." This allows your partner to hear your commitment, but removes the pressure of speaking.

4. The Private Vow Letter
This is a profoundly intimate option where your vows remain completely private. You each write your promises in a heartfelt letter. During the ceremony, you simply exchange the sealed envelopes, and then in a quiet moment afterwards, you find a peaceful spot to open them and read your vows, together.

5. The Symbolic Vow
Rituals like a traditional Scottish handfasting are a beautiful part of many ceremonies. Often, they are added alongside spoken vows. But a physical ritual can also be used in a different, very powerful way: it can be your vow. Instead of you speaking your promises, we let the action speak for you.

As your hands are gently bound, for example, my words would explain the symbolism of the knot—representing the support you offer, the strength you lend, and the life you are building together. Your part isn't to speak; it's to hold your partner's hands and feel the meaning of that promise. It transforms the vow from a speech into a tangible, grounding experience. For some, an action is the most honest promise of all.

A Quick, Reassuring Note on the Legal Words

Please know that for a marriage to be legal in Scotland, there is one simple declaration that must be spoken by each of you, in front of the witnesses. "I accept you as my husband/wife/in marriage"

Don't let this feel like another pressure. This is completely separate from your personal, heartfelt vows and can be integrated in the gentlest way possible.